Smiles
by blackbirdxsinging
Summary: After Max's girlfriend walks out on him and his autistic one-year-old son, Max has to learn to raise Ben alone. Based loosely on the George/Pattie/Maureen/Ringo story. VERY loosely. No promises. Lots of Beatles references, but you got to know your stuff!
1. Chapter 1

**This story is for my autistic brother. **

**Across The Universe-Smiles**

**Chapter One –The Beginning of The End**

"_Max?" I hear her voice ask, very small and quiet._

"_Yeah?"_

"_I want to hear you say it." She whispers._

_I breathe in a deep breath of her scent… Almost like water. "Cynthia. I love you."_

_She closes her eyes and smiles. "I love you too Max."_

_I kiss her neck and she puts her fingers through my hair. _

"_Max?" I pull away. _

"_Yeah?"_

_She sighs. "Don't fuck me over. Okay?"_

_I look at the wall, and then back at her. "I wouldn't imagine it."_

_She smiles again. "I know." And she lets me kiss her again._

I sit on my chair and watch the TV. I'm holding Ben in my arms, rocking him back and forth. "Hey little guy." I whisper, his eyes opening a bit. "How is my little boy? Huh?"

Cynthia rushes in. "He's a kid, not a dog, Maxwell."

"He's a baby." I say back. "I'm going to talk to him like a baby." I go back to talking to him when she speaks again.

"He's not a baby. Just because he can't talk dosent mean he's a baby. He's a year old. Get over yourself."

I look at her, feeling a bit of anger rise up in my throat, and then return to my little boy sitting on my lap. "Don't you listen to her, she's just worried about her job."

"It's just fucking dandy, isn't it??" Cynthia yells, storming in and out of the rooms. "I fucking lost my job." She pulls on her boots. "Now we have no money at all."

Ben sits up and stumbles off the couch. He walks over to Cynthia and raises his arms.

"Go away Ben." She snaps, pulling on her coat. I run over to her.

"If you lost your job, why are you leaving?" I ask, my voice kind of shaking. I look over at the hallway and see a suitcase, all done up neat. "Oh my god." I say, running over into our room. Her stuff is gone. All packed into that little suitcase. "Cynthia?"

I hear Ben crying. I run out back into the hall and the door slams. I run through the hallway. "Cynthia!!"

I lean against the door frame and fall down.

She's gone.

**--3 YEARS LATER—**

"Morning Ben." I shake his arm. "Morning. Get up." He looks at me and then stands up on my bed. He jumps up and down. I smile and then I stand up, jumping up and down with him. Soon enough he raises his arms, wanting me to pick him up, so I bend down and scoop him up in my arms, jumping up and down and twirling him in circles.

We're both laughing, and then I get tired from twirling him around and I set him down on the bed. I'm breathing heavy. "You're just full of energy, aren't you?" I ask, watching him jump around on the bed some more.

I sigh and then get out of bed, changing my pants and pulling on a shirt. "Time to get dressed, bud." I say, pulling a shirt over his head.

He looks at me annoyed, the hair on his head dropping in front of his eyes. I laugh and push it back for him.

"Time for school. Mary is going to be picking you up in…" I look at the clock on the wall. "15 minutes. We need to get some food in your little tummy!" I tickle his stomach and his laughter fills the room. I smile. He makes me so happy.

I pick him up and he wraps his tiny arms around my neck.

"What do you want… Rice Crispies, or a doughnut?"

He makes some kind of weird sound from the back of his throat and I laugh. "Okay." I say, laughing a bit. I'll give you rice crispies. Because we don't have anymore doughnuts."

I sit him down in his highchair and give him his cereal. I hand him his spoon and he starts eating it, and spilling it all over his stomach.

"Hey now." I say, scooping the food off of him. "Get the food _in_ your stomach, not on it." I laugh a bit and the buzzer rings.

I walk over and press the receive button. "Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Carrigan? It's Mary."

"Oh, Mary, come in. We're just having breakfast." I open the door and I hear her walking up the stairs.

I walk over to Ben and see his food all over the floor.

"Ben!" I say suddenly, and I see him biting his lip, like he always does before he cries. "Oh, shit, sorry…" He begins crying.

Mary pushes open the door.

"Ben, don't cry." I start cleaning up the ceral on the floor. "I… I'm sorry Ben."

Mary walks in. "Oh, is everything okay?"

I push the mop across the floor and lean it against the door. "It's fine… He just… spilt his food on the floor."

"Is he finished?" She asks, reaching to take the little table off the chair.

"Uh, yeah. I guess." I say back. "He just hasn't had any food, that's all."

"Oh, okay." Mary takes the table off and scoops Ben up in her arms. "We can pick something up on the way there, if you would like." She suggests, setting him down and putting on his boots.

"Oh, okay." I say back, grabbing Ben's coat and handing it to her.

"So you aren't coming today, Mr. Carrigan?"

"Please, call me Max. And I can't… I have work today. You know, got to keep him fed." I smile.

She smiles back. "I understand." She says.

I keep smiling, and then I stop. "Oh, uh, here." I hand her a ten dollar bill. "This will pay for his breakfast."

She shakes her head. "Oh, no, I cant take that." She hands it back.

"Please, you aren't paying for his breakfast."

She shakes her head. "No, just take it back." She hands it back.

"I'm going to feel like an asshole all day if I didn't pay for my sons breakfast. Come on. Take it."

She hesitates, and then smiles. She stuffs it in her pocket. "We'll be back at 2:00." She says, opening the door. "Come on, Ben."

Ben, walks up to me. I pick him up.

"Kiss?" I say. He kisses my cheek. "Good boy. You have fun with Mary, alright?" I put him on the ground and he follows Mary.

"Bye Mister Carrigan!" Mary says, shutting the door.

"It's Max!" I call back, but she is already gone.

**--SMILES--**

I pull on my boots and put on my coat. I walk outside and walk as fast as I can to the warehouse on the edge of town.

I rush inside, and I am greeted by all my work friends.

"Hey Max."

"Max, whatsup?"

I nod and smile and walk over to the huge street cleaner.

I sigh shortly and hop inside.

"Cleaning the streets, Max?" One of my friends jokes.

"Yeah yeah, shut your face before I smash it in."

They all laugh a bit and I drive it out, turning on the dusters and cleaning the cluttered streets of New York city.

I sit at the wheel and look around. I see couples walking by everywhere. And where there aren't couples, there are familys, each kid smiling, and talking, and having a great time.

"I'm never going to have that." I whisper to myself, and start up the engine again.

**--Smiles--**

I push the door open and I hang up my coat. "Mary?" I yell through my apartment.

"Oh, hi!" Mary rushes up to me. "Work done already?"

I nod. "Yup."

"Ben is in the living room."

"How did you pass the time away today?" I ask, pulling my shoes off.

Mary smiles a bit. "We were drawing."

"Drawing?" I repeat, looking in through the other room. "What was Ben drawing?"

"Well…" Mary said, "I'm pretty sure this is a rainbow."

We both look at an assortment of colours scribbled all over a white paper.

"See… the red there…" Mary tries, but we both know its nothing.

I walk into the living room and pick Ben up. "Smiles, Smiles!!" I yell, us both laughing when I spin him around the room.

I set him down and we both collapse on the couch.

"You're a great dad, did you know that?" Mary says quietly. I look over.

"You think?" I ask, kind of flattered.

She nods. "Ben loves you a lot."

I look at the floor. "He dosent tell me that."

Mary walks over and sits beside me. "Look." She whispers. "Max."

I look up.

"I know how hard it is to raise a child diagnosed with Austism. I know. Especially on your own."

I look away again, and she places her hand on my chin and turns my head towards her.

"But you're doing a great job. And he _will_ talk."

Her brown hair curls infront of her eyes, and she pushes them back.

"Okay?"

I feel defeated. I manage to sqeak out words. "Okay."

She stands up. "I'll be back tomorrow again. Bye Max. Bye Ben!" She waves and smiles, and then walks out the door.

Ben continues colouring, and then stops. He picks up his pencil crayons and walks over to the wall.

"Don't write on the wall, Ben." I call out, trying to see what he is trying to do.

I don't really mind about the walls, actually. It would remind me of him before I go to sleep.

I wouldn't call it sleeping, actually. It's more like passing out.

"Smiles." I call, just smiling at his nickname. "Come here, Ben."

It dosen't seem like he can hear me, so I lie down on the couch. I try and close my eyes, but I cant keep them like that.

"Hey bud, come here." He turns around. He scribbles on the wall again. "Ben, don't."

Once he realizes that he is doing something wrong, he screams loudly and throws the pencil crayons in the air.

"Oh, Ben." I whisper, walking up to him and scooping him up in my arms. "It's alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Ben. I love you so much, you know that? I love you so, so, much." He stops crying and wraps his arms around my neck. I feel his tears drop on my shoulder.

He had no idea what he was doing to me, did he?

I squeezed him tight and cried a bit into his shoulder. "Ben." I whisper. "I love you _so_ much."

He takes his tiny little hands and grabs onto my hair.

"Don't ever let go." I whisper, and I set him down.

We stand there looking at eachothers red faces.

"Hey Ben," I say, and he looks up. I see Cynthia's eyes. It chips at my heart. "Bathtime."

Ben is sitting in the bath with bubbles up to his nose. I have to watch him all the time, just in case he slips and drops underwater.

He sits up and grabs his boat. Instead of swimming it across the water, he crashes it under the water and brings it back up with him. He continues doing this until I am pretty much soaked.

"Hey, you want to play with the boat or drown me?"

He laughs.

I'm reading the paper, looking for a mention about Jude's paintings.

I roll my eyes and set the paper down. I stand up. "Move over." I say, nodding my head to the side.

Ben grins a bit, and then shifts over.

I hop in the bath, fully clothed. The bath is so full now, the water spills over the top.

Ben looks over the side and sees bubbles and water everywhere. His boat is on the ground. He points to it.

"Ben, couldn't you have holded on to your boat? You know I'm fat enough to make a tsunami." We both laugh as I reach over and grab his boat. I show him how to move it across the water, and then hand him the boat. He glides it along the bubbles for a second, and then goes back to splashing it.

I laugh and then duck my head under the water. I come up and shake my head, water flying everywhere. "Yeah!" I yell, smiling and looking over at Ben.

I wish he would talk to me.

He looks at me strangely and then grabs a little action figure on the side of the tub.

I sigh. "Ben…" I whisper, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "Can you even hear me?" He dosent look up. I sigh again.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry." I hear a voice say. I look over at the door, and Mary is standing there. "I didn't know you were…" Her eyes are covered.

"It's okay." I said. "Don't you give Ben baths?"

She is still looking the other day when I get out of the tub.

"Well, yeah, but you are a different person then Ben, and I would rather see you… clothed, if that makes sense."

I laugh. "Mary, turn around." I spread my arms out to show that I was wearing my clothes the whole time.

She looks at me, and then she smiles. "Oh, sorry!" She grins. "I thought…"

I smile. "Ben's just having his bath."

I look behind me and notice the water is half as high as it was. I walk over and start running the warm water.

"Oh, I know. I just thought that maybe we could plan something out, you know?"

I raise my eyebrow. "Plan something out?"

"For Ben." She says quickly. "Speech therapy is helping, but we want him to interact with other kids. So I thought maybe he could join some of these." She hands me a panflet.

'A DAY IN THE CIRCUS, A CURRICULAR ACTIVITY FOR MENTALLY CHALLENGED CHILDREN.'

"Mentally challenged?" I read, my voice breaking.

"Oh, shit, sorry." She whispers.

I walk over to the toilet seat and sit down. I put my head in my hand. "He's mentally challenged?"

"Max, I didn't think that this would be…"

Tears are running down my arms. "Just leave!" I say finally.

"Max, this could really help."

"He dosent need help!" I yell. "Just get out!!"

I'm so mad I don't even realize she called me Max.

"M—"

"Get out!!" I yell, and Ben starts crying with me.


	2. Chapter 2

Smiles

**Smiles**

**Chapter Two**

**--**

I look over three times to make sure that Ben is asleep. Then I walk into the kitchen and flick on the light.

It kind of burns my eyes, because I had been lying in the dark for an hour, waiting for Ben to fall asleep. He never goes to sleep without knowing that I am lying next to him.

_Never._

I open the cupboard under the sink and pull out a little bag where I keep it. I walk over to the table, my bare feet hitting the cold, unsuspecting tiles.

I open the bag and spill out a bit on the counter. I sprinkle it on my hand, count to three, and bring it into myself. My nose kind of burns, but I feel numbed. And that's how I want to feel. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

I close up the bag again and place it under the sink. I take a cloth and wipe the table a little before walking back into my room and staring at the ceiling.

And then, eventually, I fall asleep.

**-Smiles—**

When I wake up, Mary is shaking my arm.

"Max!!" My eyes open and I look around. I have a headache, but I'm used to it by now.

"Hi." I say, my voice kind of rough.

"Max, do you know what time it is?"

I look around. "Uh, no?"

She pulls out her watch. "It's nine… fourty-five!"

I rub my eyes. "So?"

"So, it means Ben is late for therapy, and _you_ are late for work!!" She stops rushing about and looks at my nose. "Oh my God, are you okay?"

"Hm?" I ask, and I feel the blood dripping down from my face. I cover it quickly. "Oh, shit."

"Are you okay Max? Do you want me to get you a tissue or something?"

"Yes, I'm fine…" I say, getting out and rushing to the bathroom. "No, I don't need help."

"Are you sure you don't want me to…"

"I'm sure." I say, wiping my nose with a tissue and throwing it in the garbage. "I just have a weak immune system." I sniff a bit.

"Do you want to…"

"Could you just help with Ben, please?" I say shortly.

She looks at me one last time, with a slight look of concern. "Okay, Mr. Carrigan." She walks out and goes into the kitchen, where I see Ben strapped in his chair.

"It's Max." I grumble, not loud enough for anyone to hear.

**--Smiles—**

I walk into the kitchen once I know that Mary has left with Ben. I look on the counter and find a lovely written note, with pink lines and fancy lettering.

I picked it up and rubbed my eyes.

_Mr. Carrigan,_ It read. _I called in sick for work today, I thought that it would be the best thing for all of us if you took a day off. Ben is at speech therapy, and then if you want I can take him out for lunch before bringing him back here. _I sighed a breath a relief. _I'll be dropping Ben back off here at around 5:00. Other than that, you have the whole day to yourself. Have fun, Love Mary. _

_P.S. I believe this is yours._

I turned the page over and found nothing. I looked on the counter where the sheet used to be and found a ten dollar bill. I closed my eyes, almost smiling, and stuffed it in my pocket.

I walked back over to my bed and fell asleep.

**-Smiles—**

Mary wakes me up again. Figures.

"Mr. Carrigan? Mr. Carrigan."

"It's Max." I say automaticly, rubbing my eyes.

"Ben is home." She ignores me. "It's time to wake up."

I open my eyes and see her. She's sitting on my bed.

"What are you doing, sitting here on my bed?" I joke.

"Oh, sorry, I just needed to let you know that…"

"It was a joke, Mary." I say, sitting up.

"Oh." She looks away. "Yeah, sorry. I'm not good with jokes."

I shrug. "It's alright."

I see her brown hair in front of her eyes. She pushes it back again behind her ear.

"Ben is doing better in speech therapy. I think you should take him off dairy products, because some studies show that kids will seem more alert without dairy. Did you know that?" She keeps talking, but I am looking at her hair. This one piece keeps falling in front of her face and she keeps pushing it back.

"Mr Carrigan?" She says, and I snap my focus back to her.

"What? Oh, sorry. I just…" I close my eyes and sigh shortly. "Sorry."

"It's alright. You must be tired. We can talk later, over the meeting next week."

"Meeting?" I repeat.

She looks up. "Yeah. The meeting. Don't you remember?"

Shit. I can't remember a bloody thing.

"We planned this out a month ago, Max. It's a meeting to talk about Ben. Jeremy's going, I'm going, Ben is going, and _you're_ supposed to be going."

I run my hand through my hair and keep it at the back of my neck. "Oh, uh, sorry. I just…" I sigh again. "It's not like I have anything else planned." We both kind of laugh awkwardly.

"I'm leaving now." She says softly, and she stands up.

"Oh, uh, do you wanna stay?"

She turns around. "Hm?"

"Do you wanna stay? You know, for tea or something?"

She looks at me with her brown eyes. "You don't have any tea, Max."

My eyes slightly widen.

"Sorry." She says, thinking it as something offensive. "I'll just leave. But thanks."

"No problem…" I say tonelessly, trying to understand what happened.

I walked into the kitchen again, and saw Ben running from one side of the room to the other.

"Hey Ben!" I say, running over and smiling. "How are yeah??" I pick him up and swing him around in a circle before putting him back down.

I collapse on the counch and he runs three more times across the room before sitting next to me.

He looks at me, and smiles. Even though there is nothing funny.

I smile back, and kiss his hair. "Ben, what do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

He steps off the couch and walks over to the bin that Mary left behind a few weeks ago. He pulled off the lid and started pulling out little dolls and placing them gently on the ground.

"What 'cha doin' there, Bud?" I ask, trying to look over his shoulder. Once he's done, he carefully puts the lid back on and picks up all the dolls.

He lies them down in the middle of the room and makes them all stand in a row, making sure none of them are facing the wrong way or are tilted.

"You shouldn't let him do that." I look up, and Mary is putting on her coat.

"Oh, I thought you left."

"No. I'm leaving, though. Sorry Mr. Carrigan."

"It's _Max._" I say again.

"Bye Ben!!" She waves but he dosent turn around, so she just smiles at me and opens the door.

I think I like her.

"Ben, come here." I say, looking over. He looks up, and then back at his dolls, and then back up at me. He walks over his dolls, carefully, and over to me.

I pick him up and put him on my knee. "Now, we have about three hours before you go to bed." I say, grinning. "Do you wanna go out? See Uncle Judey?"

Ben stares at the side of the wall. I try and see what he is looking at.

"Ben, you don't know how much I love you." I whisper. "We'll just stay here." I say after a while. "We couldn't see Jude if we wanted to. I haven't heard from him in years."

It was such a long and painful story that Ben would never understand. Nobody would ever understand.

"_Cynthia, are you feeling okay?" Jude asks, reaching for her hand. _

"_I can't…" She gasps and continues sobbing. "I can't believe it. Why did this happen to me? Max will leave. He'll leave."_

_Jude held onto her hand and looked in her eyes. "Cyn, I promise you." She looks up. "Max isn't going to leave you. He will never leave you. He loves you."_

_She looks away. "Not when he finds out. What am I supposed to say? Whoopsies, should have used protection?"_

_Jude looks the other way. "Everything is going to be okay, Cyn. I promise."_

Jude was such a great friend to Cynthia.

I thought bitterly.

I look over at the clock. 6:00PM.

"Ben, guess what? It's bath time."

--

**--SMILES—**

I lie him down on the other side on my bed, where Cynthia used to sleep. I sigh deeply as I slip on his pajamas. He is wearing blue footies, and he looks quite pleased.

I pull his tiny blue blanket over top of him. I hop in the other side, pulling off my pants and my shirt and lying next to him with nothing on but my boxers.

Ben moves around a bit before falling asleep.

"Ben?" I whisper. I think about getting up and finding the cocaine. Reaching under the sink, placing it on my hand… Feeling no pain.

But I can't move. I don't know what's going on. I try to get up, and I think of Jude.

"How could you think that Cynthia leaving was my fault?" I whispered to no one in particular. I was thinking of Jude and Lucy. "Can't you see the one that I'm the one suffering here?" I feel a fat tear roll down my cheek and land on my dry pillow. It won't be dry for long.

I remember Lucy walking in my apartment, not listening to anything I said.

"_I'm just here to get some of Cynthia's things." She says, pushing open the door._

"_Lucy." I whisper, and rush over to her. "Lucy! Where is Cynthia?"_

_Lucy pushes the hair out of her eyes and walks over to her old bedroom. "She has made it clear that she never wants to see you again."_

"_Why?" I manage to choke out. There are tears spilling down my cheeks. "Because I had her child? Because he couldn't be normal?"_

"_Don't make this about you, Max."_

"_It isn't about me!" I cried. "It has nothing to do with me!! I did nothing wrong!" _

_She has a lot of things gathered ina cardboard box and is heading to the door. "I'm leaving, Max."_

_I fall to the ground and grab her leg. "Lucy, don't leave." _

_She looks back. "Max, whatever you did, she is _never_ coming back. Never."_

_I sob. "What did I do?"_

_But she closes the door, with nothing close to as goodbye, or I'll be back next week._

I bit my lip, trying not to think about the last moments I had with my sister. Cynthia was working against me. She always has been. Ever since Ben was born.

We loved eachother, yes. It wasn't love though, it was plastic and candy-coated. Something that everyone is chasing after, but never gets. And if you do get it, in a few seconds, it slips away like a butterfly. And that is exactly what Cynthia did… Slipped away, and took my sister and my best friend with her.

I feel my heart racing. I breathe through my nose and feel the anger raising inside of me. Without checking if Ben was asleep, I suddenly rip the covers off and storm in the kitchen.

I tear open the cupboard door with such force that it slams against the counter next to it. I grab the cocaine and sniff it quickly and smoothly.

I drop the bag and feel the anger rinse away.

I manage to walk over to the table and sit in one of the stiff chairs. I put my head in my hands and cry for a while.

Once I feel the blood dripping down from my nose, I walk to the bathroom to clean it up.

I look in the mirror.

_when all my dreams have been left open ended_

_and i cant find my way to fall back asleep_

_i'll take these pills and hope that i awake with more than what i am_

_i need an end to end this story in my dreams…_

I open the cabinet and spill open a bottle of advils. I dump a lot of them out on the counter. I open the door underneath the sink and pull out a bottle of whiskey.

I look at the pills on the counter and the bottle.

"Max, Oh my god!" I turn around, my hand still wrapped around the bottle. Mary is standing in the doorway. "What are you _doing?_"

I look at Mary, then the counter. "Fuck." I say with all the words I'm thinking about and riddle them into one simple cuss.

She is breathing heavy and she is almost crying. "Max, I…"

"Mary, this isn't what it looks like. I swear."

Her eyes are closed and she is shaking her head.

She runs into the bedroom. I chase after her.

She is picking up Ben.

"What are you doing?" I ask, following her.

He wakes up, but dosent say anything.

"I have to take him, Mr. Carrigan." She says, and I am pretty sure that she is crying too.

"No." I whisper. She is walking into the kitchen. "No!!" I chase after her and block the door. "I can't let you leave."

She looks at me. Tears are falling down her face. "Max, you were going to commit suicide." She whispered. "I have to take care of him before we get this sorted out, okay?"

I shake my head. "no." I whisper. "Please. Let him stay."

She shakes her won head. "I can't." She whispers. "Let me look after him. I know how heartbreaking this can be, and we can work it out, okay? But not now. Not _now._"

Ben is starting to scream and kick Mary.

"He dosent want to leave." I whisper. She tries to push past me. "He dosent want to leave!!" I scream at the top of my lungs, and everyone is yelling different swear words from the apartments next to mine. "Don't take him away!!"

She turns around and wipes her eyes. "I'm sorry, Mr. Carrigan." And then she turns around and walks away with my crying, kicking, stubborn son.


	3. Chapter 3

"We're sorry, but the number you have dialed has been disconnected

"We're sorry, but the number you have dialed has been disconnected."

I place the phone back in its cradle and bring my knees up on the chair I'm sitting on.

I sniff my nose. "Still disconnected from me, Jude?" I whisper.

I sit there and sulk, and then suddenly stand. "Sadie." I whisper. I dial her number quickly.

"Hello?" Says a tired and groggy voice on the other end.

"Sadie!" I suddenly burst, my tear covered voice spitting in the phone.

"Max?" She says, and I can tell she is sitting down. "Why are you calling me so early?"

I look at the clock and see that it's only 9:00. "I need to ask you something really, _really_, important." I sniff and think of Ben.

"What is it Max?"

I breathe in. "Some one took Ben away."

"What?"

I breathe out. "It's a long story Sadie, something that happened to me and Cyn four years ago, and I'm really sorry that we didn't stay in touch for all that time, but I have to ask you something really important, because you are my only link to the past." I breathe in.

"What?" She says again.

I breathe out, slightly annoyed. "I need Jude's number." I sniff again. "He knows where Cynthia is. Cynthia will know where Ben is."

Sadie breathes out deeply. "Jude told me not to tell you anything. He wanted very much to forget you. You know?"

I blinked again and more tears ran down my face. "I did nothing wrong." I whispered, my voice covered in tears but with a hint of anger. "Why can't anybody see that?"

Sadie sighs again. "I can't, Max. I haven't heard from you other then from what Cynthia says. And what she says isn't very good."

I bite my tougue. "Stubborn son of a bitch." I mutter under my breath, reffering to Cynthia.

"What?" She asks. She's getting up now. I hear the water running.

"Sadie…" I breathe out. "Ben is my _son._" I whisper, my voice shaking. "I love him… more than _anything_ in the world." I'm still crying. "I just want him back." I whisper.

Sadie is drinking something. "You don't love him." She states, probably something that Cynthia had said.

"I _do_!!" I scream. "Why would I be calling you? Why would I try so hard to get him to talk?? I'm working _so, so,_ hard for him." I whisper. "Please, Sadie."

She sighs again. "You didn't hear it from me." She says.

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Thank you!"

"Yeah, Well. What am I supposed to do?" She tells me the number and I scribble it down.

I hang up and stare at the phone.

"Don't worry Ben, I'm coming to find you." I whisper, and I dial his number quickly.

"Hello?" I hear his voice.

"Jude, for the love of God, don't hang up."

I hear a baby crying in the back round.

3 years since I had heard his voice. God, it felt like so long.

"Who the hell is this??"

I think about what I should say. "Don't hang up."

He waits.

"It's Max, Jude. It's me."

I almost feel his arm rushing to hang up on me.

"Who is it, Jude?" I hear a familiar, piercing voice say.

"It's Max." He says my name like it has trouble written all over it.

"Don't hang up." She whispers, sweetly. I hear her footsteps walk over to the phone. She takes it. I hear her hands.

"Max?" She says softly.

"Cynthia…" I whisper. I'm too shocked to say anything else. I'm crying so hard. I just want my son back.

"Where are you living?" She asks, sitting down.

"Same place." I manage to sputter out.

"How's Ben?"

I close my eyes. "You'll find out, soon enough Cyn." I whisper.

"Excuse me?" She whispers. "You aren't coming over here, are you?"

I shake my head. "No." I cough out. "Ben is."

She drops the phone, and then picks it up quickly.

"What the _fuck,_ Max?" She hisses in the phone. "What kind of sick joke is this? You're a sick bastard."

"I'm not joking." I say, half laughing. "They are going to find you, and bring you Ben."

"Who!?" She yells angrily.

I breathe in. "The government, Cynthia."

She dosent say anything. "What?"

"They found me with a bunch of pills spilled on the counter and drinking a bottle of whiskey. They thought I was committing suicide."

She waits. "You're fucking kidding me." She whispers finally.

"Nope." I whisper bitterly.

"Couldn't you be a goddamed father?? Huh?!" She yells out.

My mouth drops open. "I have been a father for 4 years, Cynthia!! You haven't done shit since he got here!! I _love _Ben!!" I yell in the phone. "I love Ben more than you'll ever know!!"

"Then find him!!" She yells. "Find your dream son, and raise him properly." She pauses. "Oh, I forgot." She said bitterly. "You're a fucking _suicide._ You can't get him back. You sob in your kitchen and snort your fucking cocaine, thinking that the entire world revolves around you."

I breathe angrily through the phone. "Tell me where you are," I manage to hiss. "So I can come get him. Then forget again. Okay? Just forget about me."

She scoffs. "I'm not telling you where I am. Why would I say something like that? Then I would have to give you what you want."

"You sick son of a bitch." I mutter.

"You shithead father." She snaps back.

"What do you have against me!?" I yell suddenly. "What have I done??"

She is relaxed now. She is smoking. I can imagine her perfectly. Her feet tangling with eachother, her leaning forward and dragging on her cigarette. "Nothing. That's the problem."

I close my eyes. "i have done _nothing wrong,_ Cynthia. You know it. But you refuse to let go of the fact that we were never meant to be together."

"I know we weren't meant to be together. That's why I left."

I laugh. "You didn't leave because you hated me. You left because you didn't want Ben. You hated him. Ever since he was born."

She is breathing heavy. I hear her voice and I hear her crying. "Is that what you think? Huh? That I hate my own son? Here's our fucking address. You come over any old… fucking time, Maxwell. See if I give a goddamned bloody care." She tells me the address and I scribble that down.

She slams down the phone and I hold up the address that could lead to my son.

52 Terrace Street.

**--Smiles--**

I'm driving the car, trying hard to keep in control and wiping the tears from my eyes every stop sign.

"Ben." I whisper. "I'm coming to find you. Don't worry."

I drive a little faster. When I see the TERRACE road sign, I slam on the brakes and rip the door open.

I run down the street, counting the numbers.

I stop at 52, look at the garden, and then run up the little path. I slam my fist on the door.

Jude opens it, and looks at me.

"What are you doing here?" Is all he has to say.

I'm crying. Shit.

"I'm here to get my son." I say, my voice slightly shaking, but strong.

Cynthia walks past Jude and looks at me. "Max…" She says, and she stares at me with her bright blue eyes.

We're breathless. Jude walks away, but we don't notice.

"You don't look different." I whisper finally, and we both laugh a bit.

"You've changed." She says.

I stare at her eyes. I look at her hair. And her sundress. Her feet.

I remember when those feet used to walk through my kitchen, singing the latest Duran Duran. She was a dancer, she was….

Suddenly, I cant control my emotions anymore, and I start crying again.

"Oh, fucking hell Max." She pushes open the door farther. "Come in."

I walk in and sit on the bench that they have by the door.

I breathe in heavily, and then bite my tongue so no more tears come streaming down my face. I look up at her.

"Is he here?" I whisper weakly.

"No." She says, and she reaches in her pocket and pulls out a cigarette. "Not yet. They called me. They found me."

I sigh in relief and almost start crying again.

I manage to stand. She stares at me, her cigarette in her mouth.

Tears come to my eyes.

"Don't you get all sentimental on me, You have to be strong." She takes the cigarette out of her mouth and waves it around as she talks. "For Ben, for yourself… You know, you got to settle down, find yourself a nice girl."

I look at the ground.

"There is a room for you upstairs. Jude has made it clear he dosent really want you around, so it would be best if you didn't speak with him."

I look up. "Why?"

She shrugs. "After everything you did to me." She says.

I feel angry all over again. I hated Cynthia, I hated her so much!

Leaving me with everything. Taking away my best friend, my sister.

And lying to him! Telling them I had done horrible things to her. I _loved_ Cynthia. More than any other girl I had ever met. And she shattered my heart in three pieces and passed it around for people to poke fun of me.

And then I can't look at her anymore. I storm off, up the stairs, and stop in the hall. I open one of the doors.

I see pictures posted everywhere. I shut it immediately. _Jude's room._

I walk another step and open another door.

There is clothes and cigarette boxes spred out along the ground. There were records spilled all over the floor. Papers, probably from work, were all over the bed, with empty cups and dishes all over the place.

I shut the door and closed my eyes again. _Cynthia's room._

I walk up to the last room and push the door open. There is nothing there but a bed… A bed and a crib.

I walk over to the bed and look up at the ceiling. It's painted purply, one of the rooms that Jude hadn't covered in his drawings.

I sat down on the bed. I look from one side of the room to the other.

Cynthia walks in and shuts the door.

"Hi." She whispers.

She walks over and sits on the bed.

I watch her with hatred in my eyes, hating everything she did, everything she was doing.

She runs a hand through her light hair. Her blue eyes sparkle. "I guess we should talk." She said, not making any eye contact with me.

I don't say anything.

"Okay, you don't have to say anything. I'll talk." She waits a long time to say the next thing. "I know you aren't going to believe me, but I am sorry, Max. I am truly sorry for everything I did to you." She pauses, waiting for me to say something. "I must look like a horrible person."

I bite my lip. "I loved you." I said under my breath.

She waits. When she talks, she is crying. Hard. "I loved you too." She whispers. "I am so, so, sorry."

We sit in silence, her crying now, and me holding it in.

"Why did you leave me, Cynthia?" I manage to spit out.

She breathes in. "I hated myself." She whispered. "I was so mad at myself. And you. I wasn't ready for a kid, Max."

I breathed in at the thought of Ben.

"I was so upset that he couldn't be normal." She sobbed. She caught her breath and stopped crying. "I had a dream, Max."

I looked at her. She looked at me.

"Before Ben was born." She whispered. "There was a ghost… it was blue. It was beautiful, and it sang… And then at the end of the song, she stopped, and she looked at me, dead in the eye. She said, 'your son will never say ''I Love You.''' And she disapered." She breathed in. "I thought it was nothing. But the more and more I thought about it, I realized…" She started crying again. "I wanted him to tell me." She cried into my shoulder.

I couldn't understand what she was saying. I tried to make sense of it. I wrapped my arms around her and shifted closer so she could cry on my shoulder comfortably. Finally I realized what she was saying, and I started crying too.

"Oh Max, I love you, I love you…. You're my only love, Max, my only love…"

**-SmIleES—**

She fell asleep like that.

I lay her down on the bed, gently, trying so hard so to stir her.

I looked at her, lying down on my new bed for now. I look at the ground. "Oh, Cynthia…" I whisper.

I silently walk out of the door and shut it behind me.

I walk in the hall, and downstairs into the kitchen.

"Jude." I say, and I look at his back turned from the table.

He turns around, and then spins his kitchen chair around, amused. "Well." He says bitterly.

I look away. I can't bear seeing his hot glare. But I feel it all the same.

"Jude, I don't know what Cynthia told you. But whatever it is, I'm the same person you met at Princeton." I look back at him.

He looks at me. I can feel his desire to be my best friend again. To smoke with me again. To get high with me. To feel like we're on top of the world. To be invincible.

But he says nothing. He turns around and starts drawing again.

"How long will you be staying?" He asks, not looking up.

"Just until I can get Ben back." I say with a steady voice.

He nods a bit. "Lucy will be home in a bit. I don't want her to know you're here. So be out from 9 to 7, okay?"

My heartbreaks, and I feel slightly angered. "She's _my _sister." I say steadily.

He turns around. "This is my house." He is trying so hard to be strict with me. But he tries not to let it show.

I look away. "Okay." I say. "You won't see me." I whisper. I turn around and slowly walk over to my room.

Cynthia is there. She is sitting on the bed, her back faced to me, and brushing her hair.

I sit down on the edge of the bed, looking down.

"Hi." She says, standing up, and sitting next to me.

"Hi." I say back, looking at a spot on the floor.

"What did Jude say?" She asks.

"He wants me gone all night. I don't know what I am going to do."

She looks at me. "We could go out." She says softly.

I feel a bit of anger rush inside of me, and I almost want to yel, "No, no, I'll never trust you again!!"

But I still love her.

So I smile. "You want to?"


	4. Chapter 4

We walk along the street in silence

We walk along the street in silence. Her hands are in her pockets and mine are by my side. We are heading out for dinner at a small place first.

"It's a nice night." I say quietly. She nods.

We walk inside the restaurant and sit down at a table.

"Can I have… a hamburger, or something?" I say to the waiter.

"I'll have a salad." Cynthia says.

I look at her, like she should order something more.

"Is that it?" The waiter says.

"No, I'll have one more burger please. On the side or something." She nods and walks out.

I look at her and smile. "You haven't changed, Cyn." I whisper. "Not one tiny bit."

She looks away.

"Look at me." I whisper. I smile a bit. "Why won't you look at me?"

She looks away. "I don't want to fall in love with you." She whispers.

I smile a bit, and reach across the table to turn her head to me.

She stares at me. Tears fill up her eyes. She immediately looks away, and I turn her head again.

"Cynthia." I whisper.

She blinks and tears run down her face.

We sit like that for a while. Just looking at eachother.

The waiter brings us our food eventually, and we both turn away from eachother.

I pick up on of my burgers and plop it on Cynthia's salad.

She looks at it and immediately begins sobbing.

She hides her face in her hands as she dose so, just crying and crying.

I look at her, watching her. And finally I cry too.

She stops crying and wipes her face. She sighs. "Max." She says. She repeats it over and over again.

She looks at her burger, and I look at mine.

"How is he?" She asks finally.

I look away. "Ben's fine." I say, trying not to cry.

She bite her lip. "I loved him, you know." She whispered. "But I couldn't stand him. I kept thinking it was my fault he ended up being that way."

I look away again. "Cynthia…"

"Let me finish." She said. "I couldn't live that way." She whispered. "Where I worked and came home to a boyfriend and a son. My parents didn't approve. It was a complete rash decision. And I regretted it as soon as I walked out the door and heard you crying. I did. I am so, so, sorry." She breathed in. "Please, Max. You have to understand… I didn't want to hurt you, or Ben…" She is crying a bit. "I knew I was going to ruin it someway… I thought maybe running away would make things better…. But I ruined things in the end anyways, didn't I?"

We sit in silence.

There are all sorts of things going on around us, and we don't notice any of it.

The only time we snap back into it, is when the same waiter comes up to us and tells us its time to close.

We look at our un-eaten food and stand up.

We walk out of the place in silence.

We only speak when we are walking on the street.

"What are we going to do now?" I ask.

She sighs. "Walk."

And we do walk. We walk, and walk…

When we get to Terrace street again, we both turn around. We have to stay out on the street until morning.

"Max?" She says. Her voice is so quiet, I barely hear it.

"Yeah?" I say back.

"Hold my hand." She is crying a bit.

I look at her, and see her blue eyes looking back at me.

I hold her hand.

We walk like this halfway down the block before she crumples down on the ground and starts crying again.

I kneel down, trying to hold her.

"I love you so, much." She wails.

I rock her back and forth. I close my eyes. I wrap her tighter around me, so she can feel my heart beat.

"Lie down, Cynthia." I whisper.

"What?"

I look at the ground. "Lie down."

She lies down, and stops sobbing for a bit.

I lie next to her.

We listen to the sounds that the night makes.

Nearly silence.

I wrap my arm around her thin figure. She places an arm on my chest and places her head near my heart. I kiss her hair, and she moves her feet against mine.

We lie there for a long, long time. She falls asleep, and I watch the sky, waiting for the sun.

When I finally see it, I wake her up.

"Cynthia, wake up." I whisper. "Wake up, Cyn."

Her eyes flutter open. "What?" She whispers.

"It's morning. Lets go home."

-**SmILeS—**

I sit in my room all day. Ben is supposed to be home today.

Cynthia is putting on makeup in the bathroom. The door is slightly open, and I can see her from my bed.

The door bell rings. I get tense through my whole body. Cynthia drops her lipstick in the sink. She dosent bother to pick it up, (a typical Cynthia thing to do), and rubs her lips together before finally getting the door.

"Miss Hunter?" Its Mary. My heart swells a bit.

Cynthia starts crying. "Oh my god." She whispers.

"This is your son, Benjamin."

I try to see from my room. But Mary must not know that I am here.

Cynthia kisses his hair.

Mary goes on for a bit about the responsibilities, and then gives Cyn her number for his speech therapy.

When I hear the door shut, I run down the stairs and see Ben.

"Ben!!" I scream, and run up to him. I pick him up and he places his head on my shoulder, like he always does. I cry so hard, I have to sit down.

"Oh, Ben." I whisper. "Ben, Ben, Ben…" I kiss his hair. Finally he squirms away and sits next to me. Cynthia sits next to me, and she is crying as much as I am.

"Ben…" She whispers, and picks him up.

Ben usually cries when he is touched by anyone but me or Mary. But for Cynthia… he stayed quiet.

We had him.

We had Ben back.

And that was all that mattered.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for my delay

**Sorry for my delay. I write things on PAPER first now, shocking, isn't it?**

**No, the problem was, I kept deleting my words! I couldn't stop the evel backspace. Writing it down makes it harder to backspace without crossing it out, and it makes work seem better.**

**So, this is my UNCUT chapter…. Love the notes at the end too P .**

**Adios!**

**--**

I sit on my bed peering through the open door. I pull a cigarette from my mouth and blow the smoke out in front of me.

I cant see muich from my room, but I listen carefully to the voices.

"So who is he again?" Jude asks.

Cynthia sits down. Ben is running back and forth.

"He's my son." She says shortly, like it dosent mean anything.

"Why is he running back and forth? And I thought you said you had a daughter."

Cyn sighs. "I liked. I have a son."

Jude moves around in his chair. "So why is he doing that… Whats wrong with him?"

Me and Cyn both hesitate for a moment. This was always a sensitive and dangerous conversation to get into, especially with me.

"He's autistic." Cynthis says finally, and Jude dosent say much.

For a while, I can only hear the pitter patter of Ben's footsteps running back and forth.

I inhale more smoke and let it run through my head. I put the cigarette out and try to listen.

"Who's his dad?" Jude asks finally. "Surely he isn't older than four." He thinks.

"Max." She says. I can feel Jude's curious stare.

"This is Ben??"

She nods a bit.

"Wh… How…" He stutters. "Why is he here?" He decides, sputtering the words out.

Cynthia sighs again. "I don't really know why." She lied.

"Is he going to be here for long?"

She dosent say anything. I hear her shoulders move and I guess she shrugged.

"Are you going to let Max see him?"

I hear her fists pound the table.

"Oh my God!!" She yells. "Just stop! Enough already!!"

There is a silence, and I cant help but grin. I could tell that Jude had never seen that side of Cynthis before.

She recovers quickly. "Sorry." She breathes out/. "I'm just… stressed."

I stand up and poke my head out the door. She stands up out of her chair and picks up Ben, who kicks and squirms until she sets him down, frusturated. Immediately, he sees me and runs over to my room.

I quickly pull my head inside and sit on the bed, acting as if I had not been spying on Cynthia and Jude seconds earlier.

Ben runs in and sits himself on the bed. I stroke his hair back.

A few minutes later, Cynthia walks across the hall and into my room. She sits next to Ben.

"Jude isn't too happy about Ben." She says. She waaits for me to say something. I don't. So she continues. "Soon enough hell be asking about foods, classes, cribs, highchairs…"

"I want to know what you said to Jude to make him hate me so much." I say, not looking away.

She sighs and runs a hand through her hair.

"No you don't." She says, looking away.

"Me and Jude were Best friends." I say greavely. "You told him a lie that made him hate me. How is that possible, for a girl like you?"

She laughs bitterly. "A girl like me? What do you mean a girl like me?"

"I did nothing wrong." I continued, ignoring her. "Tell me where I made a mistake."

"Your first mistake was being my friend!" She yelled. I raised an eyebrow. "If you kept it… awkward and confusing, we could have had sex and called it a one night stand." She calmed down and spoke softer. "But because you were my friend, I stuck around."

"So because I was nice?" I say, raising my voice. "I was nice, so you tear my life apart?"

"Because I stuck around, was the problem." She said quietly. "I stuck around long enough to meet your friends."

I sit, amused. "I know this part. You all become best of friends, and then you become pregnant and leave. I know how the story goes."

She sighs again. "I love you, Max." She says. "Or, I loved you." She pushes her hair out of her eyes. "I loved you so much, I didn't like the attention you gave Jude. In fact, I didn't want you to be near Jude, ever. But I kept my wishes under control. And I let you be friends."

My voice gets quieter as she goes on. "What are you saying?" I say.

"However, when I left, I could control them anymore, my wishes. I wished. I wished for Jude."

I feel cold. "What?" I whisper/.

She nods. "I loved him. I wanted him so, so badly. But he was your best friend. Because you two were so close, I knew I could never have Jude. So I broke you apoart."

"You couldn't have Jude because of Lucy!!" I yell. "And you wont ever be able to have him because of Lucy!!"

She smiles, and then looks down. "Oh, I've had him." I feel even colder. "I've had him." She repeats.

"You're lying."

She laughs. "Why would I lie, MaX?"

I must have looked unconvinced because she undid the top button on her blouse and revealed a silver necklace.

"He gave this to me?" She said sweetly, her words filled with poison.

I gape for a moment, then shut my mouth. "So what? This leaves you as… Yesterdays whore?" I say coldly, and it wipes the little smile right off her face.

"Take it back." She says gravrely.

"It's true and you know it." She slaps me across the face.

"Take it back."

I wanted to hit her back, hit her in the face so hard.

"I wont." I said simply.

"Well then, you can leave." She said bitterly.

"This is my room." I say smartly.

"Leave my house."

My face draws back. "Fine." I say, slightly hurt. "I only came here to get Ban, anyways."

She laughs. "Oh, no!" She says. "He is staying here. You blew your chance with Ben."

**Yeah, the chapters and the lines are going to be shorter now. Sorry about that. But on paper, everything looks a lot bigger.**

**Anyways.**

**I made a new summary… so check it out! D**

**thank you readers, I love you all.**

**Juan, Pablo, Jorge, Ricardo el SPANICIAN!! **


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